Weekly Tips From MSBC
Welcome to our blog. We will update weekly with tips and advice.
Jody passed away May 5th, 1988 and I remember that first Christmas Season without her was looming large in front of me as if it were yesterday. I recall wondering what the heck we were going to do without her to celebrate one of her favorite times of the year.
So, as a family, we started to talk about what we could do to include Jody in our Christmas celebrations. Though the family was spread all over the country we talked about our plans as if we were going to be together in one home. Planning this way really brought our family much closer together emotionally and spiritually. A Christmas present that only Jody’s death could have brought us.
- We decided to hang special ornaments on the Christmas trees in her honor.
- We chose to have places at the family Christmas tables with a setting for her and her picture on the plate.
- Some of us decided to put a light on the local Hospice Christmas Tree in Jody’s name.
- Some of us decided to give food to the local food bank on her behalf.
- As a family we choose to tell Jody stories and remember her as if she were with us still.
- We all agreed that it was fine to celebrate Christmas as a happy family and to be sad that a dear one was not with us. The two were just part of life in our family at the moment.
I decided to wear crazy, colorful socks, one of Jody’s habits, as a way to remember her and have her present it a physical way. To this day thirty years later I still wear those crazy socks and remember Jody.
The thing we did well was we all talked about it. We didn’t hide behind emotional correctness / politeness and didn’t shy away from chats about our first Christmas without her. And yes it was emotional; it was a bit of a challenge for each of us especially for her widowed husband Roy.
Roy’s family did it differently. They chose not to talk about Jody and just got on with Christmas as they always did. They avoided, as best they could, the awkward elephant in the room – Jody is not with us – and somehow pretended their way through the Christmas Season with barely a mention of her. It was really hard on Roy! And must have been for his family members too even though they wouldn’t admit it out loud.
The juxtaposition of the way two families handled the same loss during their first Christmas without Jody was a great lesson for me. Trying to hide the elephant in the room is way harder and more emotionally challenging than addressing the loss of our loved one and talking about how to include them in our first Christmas without a beloved family member.
For me facing it in an open way, being real and chatting about what we could do and how we could do it was healing and very much a part of the grieving process. As we planned our celebration to include our late loved one Jody we also were honoring her loss. Odd I thought, that planning our first Christmas without her could be so healing for our sad hearts.
Remember the importance of planning – it always results in better outcomes. Have you got your end of life well planned? If not call MSBC today!
To be sure I have no moral judgment around choosing or not choosing MAID, it is a most personal and intimate family conversation that needs to be undertaken with the support of the medical system. The resulting choice is that individual’s and that family’s right to make.
Once the choice is made to proceed with MAID and the required medical processes have been completed and the day and time have been set then the unique responses to what has just been planned start to show up.
I was speaking with a care aide the other day; she had called asking for support regarding a client who had chosen MAID. The client’s end date had been set and the care aide had agreed to pick her up, have a final cup of tea and then proceed to the hospital to die with the support of the hospital staff and MAID.
The care aide was struggling with the clarity of it all.
“11:00am on Friday my client will be dead. I know that our last cup of tea will be our last cup of tea! It’s so weird to know this all before hand and I am not sure how to process it all.” She said.
In her statement lay the complications inherent with MAID. The best by date has been clearly established. We now know with clarity and certainty the remaining number days and hours we will have with our loved one. We will know when it is our last hug with certainty; we will know when it is our last night together with razor sharp clarity. In a very real way this clarity cuts through a lot of our perhaps silent wishing and hoping for a miracle that somehow they will live just a little longer.
It does however provide us with a very clear opportunity to fulfill our relationship with our loved one that chose MAID. With the certainty of a final day and time we can make conscious choices to have conversations and say a more full and complete good-bye than we could if the time and date of death we unclear. Our very human tendency to wish for the best for our loved one can often encourage our procrastination; our unwillingness to have those all-important end of life chats.
With a fixed date of death procrastination is no longer on the table. If we are willing we can arrange beautiful and graceful times with our family member that will allow us each to let go in a conscious and present way; a way that can fully honor our loving relationship. Odd though it may feel it can be a blessing if we take the opportunity MAID offers to say good-bye consciously as opposed to waiting until it is too late.
We often witness friends or family members struggling to make important end of life choices just after a loved one has passed. All we can do in the moment is support them as they struggle to manage their emotions while making often-expensive decisions regarding funeral arrangements.
Though it is not the right time in the moment to make the suggestion of being better prepared for the next time, it is the right time for you to note it! You might consider jotting a reminder in your day-timer several months down the road to have a quiet chat about them getting better prepared for their own end of life.
It is the right time though, to notice whether your own end of life paper work is in order. Use this checklist to make sure you have covered all your bases, and pass it along to your friends and family members to support them in their preparations too!
Stay tuned to our web site early in the New Year for the launch of our All Ready To Go Binder!
The Staff Team
A dear friend of ours from Singapore sent me this quotation via Facebook today and it sure rings true for me. We thought it might serve some of our members and potential members to have a look at it;
“Grief never ends…
But it changes.
It is a passage not a place to stay.
Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith…
It is the price of Love.”
The Staff Team at MSBC
When it comes to making your end of life arrangements there is one important and over riding principle to remember… “Do Your Research!”
There is nothing more challenging than setting out to make funeral arrangements for a loved one when your emotions are running wild and you have no plan and no idea what to do or what to ask for. One way around this uncomfortable and often needlessly expensive experience is to do your research and planning well in advance. Here are several tips that might help you do so.
Go to two or three funeral homes, a family owned and operated one, and one or two owned and operated by multination organizations such as SCI or Arbor Memorial. Interview them and ask some questions you would like answered in order that you can create arrangements that suit your family’s needs and budget. I know, I know, what questions should we ask? Here is a short list:
- Is viewing necessary and important?
- Does cremating my loved one mean there is no funeral?
- What is the difference between a niche and a cemetery plot? Financially?
- Is embalming necessary?
- What is the least expensive cremation container I can purchase?
- Can I rent a casket for the viewing and use a less expensive container for the burial or cremation?
- If I choose to use your funeral services what can I expect from you?
- I am a member of the Memorial Society of BC. Do I get a discounted price?
- Which is more environmentally friendly burial or cremation and what is a green burial?
- What will it cost me for a burial or for a cremation? And please give me a range from least expensive to most expensive so I can choose what works for our budget.
There are likely more questions you could ask and they will likely surface when you are having your informational meeting with the funeral homes. The important thing is you are doing some important research, gathering information and getting some ideas that might fit for you and your family. It is not at all necessary to make a decision immediately and you can let the funeral director know that you will get back to them once you have made a decision.
Also do some research regarding payment: payment plans, prepaying or simply making arrangements without payment until services are required. The financial side of the planning and arrangements process is important too. So do make certain if you do choose to prepay who holds your money until it is earned; also make sure that your family knows the arrangements have been prepaid. Prepayment is not necessary. Have a look at this article to get more information and ideas on prepaying for your funeral arrangements;
Feel free to call our office staff if you feel the need to discuss the whole idea of doing your research first.
The Staff Team
Our North American view of death – The Grim Reaper – has many of us pushing death away to long-term care homes, hospitals, and hospices. We also outsource after death care to funeral homes almost exclusively. This is not to say that these services are not required by some of us some of the time but to be honest we North Americans seem to want to banish death from life entirely washing our hands of it so to speak. This attitude has more than 83% of we British Columbians woefully unprepared for the end of our lives.
How have we gotten here?
Well, over the past one hundred and fifty years we have moved from a rural life style to an urban one. Stats Canada and the US Census Bureau provide the details of this huge migration. In 1850 94% of the population lived in a rural setting. Now fully 85% of us live in an urban setting an almost total reversal of how we once lived.
In 1850 only 11% of our elders lived alone meaning 89% lived in some sort of family structure a clear 70% lived with the children and less than 1% of our seniors lived in a care home. In 1940’s 25% of us lived with our family and now in the 21st century only 12% do, though this trend is beginning to rise again.
What does this mean?
Well, very simply we have lost touch with nature and the natural cycle of life and also with ageing. Back in the day we used to farm, fish, hunt, and garden for our very survival. We were keenly connected to the cycle of the seasons; we had to be for our very existence and the well-being of our families. We planted seeds in the spring, nurtured them through the summer and harvested them in the fall. We raised animals from birth until we slaughtered them for food. We paid attention to the seasons; we needed to so we could be successful at fishing and hunting. Our relationship with nature, the cycles of life and death, was an interdependent one.
We also used to live with our entire family, great grandparents right on down to the youngest of us. We saw firsthand our family members getting older and dying. We used to take great care of our loved ones after death, bathing them, dressing them, laying them in the casket, and burying them in a casket the family likely built in a grave site we likely dug.
We were fully involved in both life and death and to our benefit!
What has this change cost us?
Well financially about $10,500.00 per funeral on average! It has cost us much more than that though emotionally, physically, and spiritually however. It has also cost us all the loss of a considerable amount of life wisdom!
Let’s have a look at these five categories of loss and look at what we are truly missing and then what we can to minimize the losses.
The cost of a funeral in Canada is approximately $10,500.00. If it is the family’s wish and they are financially able to afford this type of expensive sendoff it is not a problem. For many of us though are pockets aren’t so deep and it is a financial squeeze to cover the costs. Much of financial costs can be directly attributed to our fear of death.
We are, as a result of pulling away from death and all it involves, ill-informed and under educated when it comes to making these types of arrangements. We tend then to take at face value the recommendations of professionals in the funeral business and avoid being a well educate consumer. Many families so suffer buyers’ remorse once all is said and done.
We are human beings after all and by definition very physical. Our physical-ness is very important and often times it is our initial link to our spirit and a kick-starter for our emotions. It a death denying culture such as ours we tend to pull away from the one dying, we tend not to touch, we tend to avoid touching our deceased loved one especially after death. In doing so we often shut down our emotional response to dying and death and we can miss altogether the spiritual aspects of dying and death.
We tend to become numb to it all thereby missing the many hidden benefits being present to dying and death afford.
Generally, we assume that our emotions are a burden both for the family member dying and for our family and friends who are there to support us. Men in our culture are particularly well trained to ‘keep a stiff upper lip.’ Many of us typically suppress our emotions so as not to burden those around us. Because we have backed away from ageing, dying and death over the past several centuries we have also forgotten how to grieve and what healthy grief looks and feels like.
We have become grief rigid.
As we have moved away from the natural cycle of life, from nature Herself, from the Awe of it all – the spiritual wonder of living, we have become spiritually illiterate and inexperienced. We tend to accept facsimiles of spirituality as opposed to knowing, seeing, feeling, and being in touch with our very spirit.
Our fear of death has crippled our personal and intimate knowledge of True Spirit.
Back in the day much of our wisdom was learnt or passed down in storytelling, stories often told by our grandparents or great grandparents. These stories were told at the dinner table, by the fireplace, by the bonfire, or while harvesting, fishing or tending to the livestock. Often times the grandparents and the children were together while the parents worked.
With our families now being fiercely independent and the farm chores and firesides much less available so are the story telling opportunities. Too, we send many of our elders off to care homes, senior’s complexes, and long term care homes in a way locking our stories behind closed doors.
So What to Do?
Get curious about death!
Go to a Death Café. Plant a garden. Visit a cemetery. Watch a film such as Me Earl and A Dying Girl. Go to a funeral. Visit a long-term care home. Watch Tuesdays with Morie. Get your own end of life plans in order and create your own All Ready to Go Binder.
Join the Memorial Society of BC and get your funeral arrangements made and on file.
Here is a link to a CBC article about how the funeral industry is recycling as well as cremating. Having been a cremationist myself I do know first hand that metal recycling was and is an important part of the cremation process.
Have a read through the article if you are curious. https://www.cbc.ca/news/technology/how-crematoriums-are-recovering-precious-metals-from-inside-the-dead-1.4623039
The Staff Team, MSBC
Many of us Canadians want to die in the comfort of our own home, over 90% in fact. Yet roughly 70% of us die in care homes or hospitals. Amongst the many reasons for the gap in the wish versus the actual reality is the fact we just don’t know how to handle a home death and tend to rely on healthcare systems and professionals to handle it for us.
There is an alternative and all we need to do is be prepared, well planned, and have the family on the same page.
I worked with a family recently, we’ll call them the Jones’, Grandma was elderly, 96 years old and was insistent on dying in her family home. Her care needs were not complex and a home death was manageable. So the family and I set out to make Grandma’s wish a reality. All we need to do was plan.
We involved a social worker from the hospital Grandma had often received care in, her doctor, the Red Cross, and community nursing. We created a family team to quarterback it all and name a family team leader. Importantly we created a care schedule for Grandma that was the basis for her care during the final months of her life.
Toilet assists and a hospital bed were organized with the Red Cross.
Home care nurses were organized through the local health authority.
Home safety needs especially carpets and stairs were attended to.
Medical visits were schedules to manage Grandma’s ever changing care needs.
The Letter of Expected Death in the Home was completed by the family doctor, a copy of which stayed in the home and a duplicate was delivered to the funeral home responsible for caring for Grandma after her death.
Grandma’s care provider schedule was created and posted on the fridge door for all to see. And,
Family members were kept up-to-date with all the developments.
As Grandma’s health continued to decline a visiting schedule was set up so as not to over tax her life energy.
Now this may sound like a substantial amount of work and yes it was. The family said to me once all was said and done and Grandma was resting at peace in her burial plot, that it was SO WORTH IT!
Grandma died in the front room of her home looking out over the gardens she had always tended and in the arms of one of her grandchildren with others holding the space with their loving presence. The end was graceful, tender, and loving – it was all that Grandma wanted and the family was so joyful that they had made her final wish come true.
The moral of the story? Be prepared, and have your end of life arrangements ready well before you need them. Pre-planning is a generous gift we can give to our families that does enable graceful passing.
The Staff Team
Published by: Hickman, Susan (Times-Colonist) <firstname.lastname@example.org>
We were up in Kelowna, BC last month at a wellness trade show; the Memorial Society was present as an exhibitor and a speaker. We of course focused on end of life preparations and planning, funeral arrangements specifically. In the context of planning funeral arrangements we also spoke about the importance of being All Ready to Go with important end of life documents collected in one easy to get at place – The All Ready to Go Binder.
Our executive director was filmed giving an informal talk to people gathered to hear about the importance of end of life planning. We have placed a link to the talk on our planning and resource page under the Helpful Links column on the right hand side. Please do have a look at the video and make sure you and your family are already to go. We are working diligently on creating the All Ready to Go Binder kit and will have it ready for your purchase later this year. Please do feel free to call our office about information on this affordable end of life planning tool.
The Staff Team, MSBC
It is most important that each of us prepare well for the end of our lives whenever that may come. We here at the Memorial Society of BC are creating an All Ready to Go Binder that will be available early in the New Year 2019 that will give our existing and new members a structure within which a great end of life plan can be created, stored, and communicated to family members one and all.
The binder will contain a table of contents, tabs for each section and several blank tabs you can use for your own personalized headings. There will be a section dedicated to the Memorial Society’s funeral arrangement form that will help you outline exactly what you do and do not want from your funeral services provider. The binder and in particular this section can be taken with you to the funeral home when you are making those important and final arrangements for your loved one’s disposition. There will also be a short how to manual that accompanies the Binder.
Having it all written down in this way will support you in staying on the plan when you are in the arrangement meeting and sometimes a little confused by all that is going on around you including your own emotions. Being planned and prepared in this way will help you avoid the remorse that can crop up when you purchase items on an emotional basis.
We are very much looking forward to making this binder available to you in early 2019!
The Staff Team
Jody passed away May 5th, 1988 and I remember that...
To be sure I have no moral judgment around choosing...
We often witness friends or family members struggling to make...
A dear friend of ours from Singapore sent me this...
When it comes to making your end of life arrangements...